This week, I have been undertaking my biggest theatrical challenge ever, playing the Narrator in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. This role is arguably one of the most challenging female roles in theatre, as half of it is sung in a legit style and the rest in a much more modern vocal style. However, I am having the time of my life. 

This is also the first role I have played since my diagnosis as an autistic woman with suspected ADHD. It has been fascinating, as this time I have been able to handle or own my ‘quirks’ openly and honestly. The first thing I have had to deal with is my anxiety. Autism anxiety is something else. I don’t do well with change or the unknown, but I cannot control what happens on stage in terms of what the audience will be like or what my fellow actors will be doing. I also don’t know if I will get a brain fart and forget things…. It did on Thursday! However, I have now been able to accept this, and although not a pleasant experience, I have been able to ride the storm. 

This week has mainly been a battle with myself, my self-esteem and my concentration. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster of self-doubt, overthinking, and reminding myself I can do this. 

But I have been able to be real with my fellow actors about being overwhelmed. I have a couple of wonderful supporters whom I can go to when there is too much stimulus in the dressing room, which houses about 25 of us. I have one special lady who completely gets me, who knows how to calm me down. Because I am labelling what I am experiencing as autism, it makes it easier to communicate what is going on with others. However, because I am always overthinking, I don’t want them to think I am a drama queen!

I have been OK with the social aspect as well. As it is such a big role, I need a lot of vocal rest, so that means I have a reason not to stay for after-show socials. I do fear missing out, but it is the best thing for me. Yes, I have had FOMO, but I am learning to accept this. 

I still struggle with reading people in the dressing room. I don’t know whether to join the big cast photos unless asked, as I cannot read people. I don’t mind taking photos with people; in fact, I love it, but I don’t have the confidence to initiate a big photo opp or get a photo with everyone. This is because of my self-doubt. I also find navigating the after-show chat incredibly overwhelming, as I struggle with small talk, but again, as I am now very open with my autism, I can be much more open about my struggles. 

I have put so much pressure on myself as I am in this lead role. I have been planning and overthinking for the last 5 months! However, again, I can accept this as I understand this is my autism. However, my quirks make me the performer I am. I think without my autism and ADHD, I would not have the drive and determination to take this risk, as well as the creativity. I just need to work on accepting this is who I am and that I have worth, even if I don’t fit the norm. 

In the weeks to come, I will be able to take with me the positive things from this experience, but first I have two more shows to do…..