Learning social and facial cues and the trouble it can get us in

Autistic people in general are not particularly good at ‘reading people’, they will often misinterpret words, or a look, or very often sarcasm. This can sometimes get us into a real pickle, offend people or just cause great hilarity.

First let’s dig into the some of the social issues autistic women and girls face when it comes to reading people. I am going to talk specifically about women and girls, as I am a CIS woman and this is where my experience lies, although I imagine for many autistic men and boys the experience is similar.

Autistic women and girls tend to mask, or hide in plain sight, desperately trying to hide how uncomfortable they are with small talk, or how to interpret a facial expression or become very mindful of their language so they don’t overshare. As you can imagine this is really tiring, but they do it because they do not want to be different, and are desperate to fit in. This masking begins at an early age with younger girls watching the world around them and copying the social cues they see in others, such as making deliberate eye contact. It is a characteristic seen much more in females than in males for whatever reason.

However, the mask slips from time to time and the socially undesirable traits show. You see there is nothing wrong with the social issues that autistic women and girls have, it is in fact society who says that they do not fit in with the expectations put upon them, like eye contact, small talk or given going to the pub as a large group. It just so happens that what western society considers as normal is flippin’ hard for a lot of autistic women and our masking can get us into trouble.

My first example of when my autism made me look like a right plum was when I used to work in a bank. I often sat on the front desk; those were the days of front desks in retail banking and branches in every time…. A time long forgotten. A woman had come in to start probate on a relative’s account, and I had to collect the paperwork. I was in customer focus mode, smiling, make them feel welcome, sell a credit card, I know, cringy. However, this was a mask which was well rehearsed and worked with customers. The lady sat down and told me her relative had died, the next words to come out of my mouth were ‘Oh that’s nice’.

I was wearing the wrong mask!!!!! I had not read the social cues correctly, just kept my retail banking mask on and I was mortified. Of course, I at once apologised and completed the paperwork with sincerity. I have not idea what the women thought of this unfeeling Cheshire Cat trying to help her, but luckily, she did not complain.

At the time, I had no idea I was autistic. Autism is women was hardly spoken about, I just considered myself awkward, kooky and not very sensitive. I created a brash confident persona to cover who I was but as I got older into my thirties it actually became less easy to hide. One of the reasons for this I think was that I began to loose my hearing, so I could no longer pick up as many cues as I did before. The other reason was I no longer cared about being liked and accepted.

Sarcasm has also been something I struggle with which is interesting because at times I can be very sarcastic myself, but I cannot always tell if others are being sarcastic and I can start wondering what I have done to offend them. The thing is like many autistic women I do not want to upset anyone or think they do not like me. I cannot tell you how many hours I have internally agonised over comments which had no malice or meant to cause any hurt.

With my diagnosis I accept that I can mask and I am trying to be more my authentic self, rather than copying the body language of those around me. Most people who know me, know I am autistic and those who truly care for me understand that at times I cannot read them and will say if they are joking. Well, there is one Elvis impersonator in my life who I can read well, and I have learnt if he is rude to me all is well with the world and if he is reading this you are mediocre at best…. Maybe I am getting a hang of this sarcasm thing….